i am unknowing

(Hopefully) New Thinking

August 26, 2020

After realizing I’ve been suffering from intense burnout I need to make a change. I wrote about slowing down last week and I’ve really been trying to do that. More importantly though I’m focusing on the now.

The now has been hugely important for my mental health so far (lol it’s been a fucking week Elliott) solely because it takes my thoughts away from anxiety inducing moments or hypotheticals. When I think about the past it’s rarely about happy or joyful moments. Instead I think about times I fucked up, was embarrassed, or had a big shot of adrenaline.

When I think about the future it’s about what I dream of doing. It became toxic when I wasn’t able to enjoy current moments and just kept dreaming about being that hugely successful X. X was many things - a musician, programmer, entrepreneur, paintballer, rower, etc… However, even if I were to reach the upper echelon in any one of those fields I know it wouldn’t be enough.

Deep down I really do know that, but actually putting that into action is fucking hard. My ego does NOT want to let go of fame or fortune! Thankfully I’ve been able to slightly hush my ego by being cognizant of it and shifting my focus into the sensations of my current world. When I make that shift I get a shot of adrenaline/anxiety, but it quickly subsides as I think about the leaves breathing in the wind. I like to think the adrenaline is my ego saying “NO ELLIOTT! DON’T LEAVE ME YOU FUCKING TWAT!”

This has been a great first step in my goal of just creating things because I want to and not to satiate the ego’s lavish end-goal.

When it comes to creating I’m going to stop asking “is this what the market wants/needs?” and instead just do it. So what if someone’s already made a basic polyphonic synth. I’m going to try and make one too. This mainly applies to music and code, but will hopefully open new creative outlets that I can just do and not worry about being good at.

Being mediocre is a-ok. By definition, few people get to be extraordinary at something. That constant pursuit is tiring and, I’m hypothesizing, counter productive to actually being extraordinary. It’s perfectly ok to be mediocre. It’s perfectly ok to wander through life trying new things until you die and that is what I hope to do with content.

Speaking of death, The Power of Now has a killer quote in it I read last night - “Death is the stripping away of all that is not you. The secret of life is to “die before you die” — and find that there is no death.”

I’m working on stripping away all that isn’t me, and just doing me.

I'm Carl and I'm just gonna write about my life

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