i am unknowing

Doing Stuff For Fun

January 13, 2020

I’ve gotten into this truly viscous cycle of doing something for potential fame or profit. It doesn’t feel very genuine. I try to get my brain out of that mindset but it’s really hard.

Fantasizing about things basically takes you there. If you have a good enough imagination and can immerse yourself in your head those emotions and that dopamine is fuckin’ real. The good thing is now I’m aware that I do it so I can try to stop.

At the end of the day though I don’t really know what it is that I’m truly passionate about. Life now has so many inputs that it’s hard for me to focus on something. It’s hard for me to do something just to do something. My mind never ceases to wander and imagine the possible business that could come out of doing some silly Spotify artist tracker.

I don’t really know what my true motivation is when I do things. Is it money, fame, and power? Or is it the passion to create, inspire, and vent? I’d like to think it’s the latter, but my brain says otherwise.

I just got done watching some Hypebeast photographer documentaries and was supremely jealous. Not because of the fame and influence they’ve gained, but because they found something (or so they say) that they just have a passion for doing. The success came after that.

My passion seems to lie somewhere in music. I enjoy making it, but I have a hard time doing it just for me. I love listening to it and maybe that’s ok? Maybe a passion for me doesn’t have the be creating something. I’d really like it to be, but I can’t force it.

I look at people like Lynn Fischer and am just amazed by their tenaciousness to get good at something just because. I always seem to have a motive when learning something.

My newest obsession is thinking about making videos and putting music to them. Why? So that I can post them to YouTube and hopefully get a bunch of views. I also think it’d be fun, but I have a hard time getting myself to actually go outside and do it. I don’t need a nice camera and I can’t let myself get one. I need to use what I have, see how I enjoy it, and go from there.

I'm Carl and I'm just gonna write about my life

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