i am unknowing


January 08, 2020

I watched a really inspiring video by Tyler Babin and Cody Wanner (https://youtu.be/pAkWLBmr1nY) that made me want to get into film stuff. I imagine essentially just shooting B-roll stuff and then just putting my music too it. The song would really dictate the content, but it’d force me to get out and go places to get the shots I need.

This is yet another thing that I want to do with no real direction or commitment on actually doing it. It’s important to focus on the long tail of things and not so short term. I have a hard time imaging what consistent practice brings over 5 years, because I haven’t ever really done anything like that. I always get burnt out, bored, and quit.

Film, music, writing, business ideas, blogs, etc… They’re all part of the Elliott Graveyard of Trying To Do Shit and Then Quitting After 3 Months. The truth is, deep down I know this. And I know this every time I quit. But for some reason I just keep quitting. Except with code. For some reason I kept going and am now a professional.

I’m not sure what it was with coding. I really like the problem solving and I really liked building things. I think I saw a clear path to success (getting a job) and it was super attainable and up to me to reach it. However, I think with these other endeavors I need to tell that word to fuck off. “Success”. To me, right now, that implies inputs and reactions from other people. I really need to stop focusing on the outcomes and revel in the process of learning and getting better.

I need to enter into something with no expectations and just do it. Cody (in the above video) really gave off that vibe. Fuck everyone else and just do what you think is cool. I used to be too concerned with walking around with a camera because I thought I was “too cool” and shit. Now I think I’m close to being past that. I haven’t fully dropped the ego there, but I’m trying and I’m conscious of it and that’s the first fuckin’ step.

I'm Carl and I'm just gonna write about my life

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