i am unknowing

Daily Lessons 5.22.22

May 22, 2022

God man I can’t believe I said that to Jessica in 6th grade. What a fuckin’ idiot!

I never should have said that I liked chicken to Jordan because he’s a vegetarian and to be honest that was pretty insensitive Carl.

This is the kind of shit that goes on in my head when I’m high. Sometimes I hate it, but many times I try to embrace it because I believe it has something to teach me. This isn’t an original thought or framework by the way — I first heard it on Joe Rogan gasp.

I’m coming down from my high and learned a few things that I really need to work on:

  • Be nicer to my general contractor
  • Appreciate Madison more
  • Care more about normal life

DeWayne is my contractor for the garage we’re building and unfortunately he’s not doing a very good job. He’s screwed up on the plans multiple times, and as far as I can tell really does not know what he’s doing. I am incredibly frustrated and nervous about the whole thing, but DeWayne is being incredibly accommodating given the situation. He’s really working hard to fix the problems we’ve ran into.

Even with that said, new problems crop up basically every time the sub contractors out here and it’s easy for me to be the client from hell - calling him non stop, sending photos of the screw ups, etc… My new plan is to approach the problems more calmly and not as irritated, and try to be less condescending in my tone when bringing them up.

I also need to appreciate Madison more. She is more than I could have ever asked for and I take a lot of what she does for granted. I love spending time with her, and I need to do more of it.

It’s easy for me to brush off being with her while I’m in pursuit of some goal or working on some project, but I actually think what I’ve been yearning for is just being closer to her.

I’m much more loving, care less about accumulating money, and care more about family when I’m high. I want myself to be like this in normal life, but my (perhaps?) narcissistic and egotistical self comes right back. I know that I have the capacity to care more about others, I just need to put it front and center in my life and let it take over.

As I finish this post up totally sober it’s easy to see myself falling back into my old ways. I hope that by writing about this stuff more it may just make it stick.

I'm Carl and I'm just gonna write about my life

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